Joy and trust in ourselves aren't luxuries. They're quiet inner compasses that tell us we're alive, that we matter, that life is worth inhabiting. Yet for many people — particularly those who have experienced trauma, difficult childhoods, or chronic stress — joy has become a stranger.
When Joy Feels Dangerous
Some people flinch at happiness. Not because they don't want it, but because somewhere along the way they learned: when things are good, something bad is about to happen.
This is not irrational. If your early experiences were unpredictable — warmth followed by punishment, safety followed by violation — your nervous system learned to distrust positive states. Joy becomes a warning sign, not a gift.
Psychologist Brené Brown calls this "foreboding joy" — the experience of immediately catastrophising when something good happens, as a way of pre-empting the pain of loss.
The Body and Joy
Joy is not only a thought. It lives in the body — in the chest that opens, the breath that deepens, the face that softens. For people with trauma histories, these very physical sensations can feel threatening. The open chest is vulnerability. The deep breath is letting go of control.
Healing often involves slowly, carefully reintroducing the body to safety — and to the possibility of pleasure.
Small Portals Back to Joy
- Noticing one thing that delights you — not performing delight, but genuinely noticing.
- Allowing yourself to rest without earning it first.
- Spending time in nature, which regulates the nervous system at a physiological level.
- Creating something — anything — with your hands.
- Being with people who make you feel seen, not managed.
Joy is not something you have to deserve. It's something you learn, slowly, to receive.
Yours, Ksenia Trefilova
If joy feels inaccessible or frightening, let's explore that together.
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